I could not be more grateful that this quote found me yesterday at time where I can relate to, and need, it most. Lately I have not quite been myself. It’s really not easy to talk about because it is something I do not want to admit. But then, this quote was spoken to me at the opening and closing of my yoga practice yesterday led by Jennifer Pansa, an instructor on my YogaTime app. These beautiful words resonated with me as I began to recall another wonderful piece of advice from one of my other lovely yoga instructors, Louise, here in Charlotte. It was a class on the first day of the new year. And so appropriately, her words went something like this:
“I hope you make mistakes this year. Make lots of wonderful glorious mistakes. Only then will you know that you’re growing. Make mistakes because it means at least you are doing something.”
Of course the way she presented that thought made most of us giggle. But her words could not be more true. They could not have been wiser. I remember leaving that day thinking, man, I have not really been awake in my life lately. Lacking energy. Aside from adopting a dog, which of course I’ll give myself credit, is a big deal, I have not been doing anything differently to incite any sort of changes within myself. And I’m really big on that. Whether or not it is intentional on my end, I always find myself up against some sort of challenge. Creating them where they do not yet exist, just to grow into a better person, a higher version of myself. Anyway, as I kept walking away from the studio back to my car, I wondered what type of mistakes I was about to make this year. How near or far in the future were they going to happen? But how in the hell am I going to make them if I’m not doing anything?? I believe it was that thought that put a new goal in motion: to sign up and train for a half marathon. Though it was new years day, it wasn’t any kind of resolution. In the back of my mind there was Ashley, my amazing friend who has been inspiring me so much lately by kicking ass at life. So a race was genuinely just the first thing that came to mind. I was ready to feel something again. To take on a challenge and enjoy the process, no matter how arduous it was going to be. Ironically, running quickly became an escape for me. I looked forward to spending more time alone, in my thoughts, and in my breath. And for many reasons, that is so good to do. Every so often I need a reset, to find myself again after being surrounded by so many energies, at least those that don’t balance and flow as well with my own energy.
So, I’ve found that so far throughout my training, during and outside of, I have been making so many damn mistakes. Saying things I don’t mean. Behaving in ways that seem so unlike myself. Questioning which side is myself. Or if I could be both. If it is okay to be both. And I think maybe I could have arrived here with these thoughts without the marathon training. That’s not really what this is about. It’s more that the training is a symbol for any kind of movement. A willingness to work up as much courage as you can to be able to listen to yourself. An attempt at burning away the fear to uncover who you are.
For a while before now I was afraid to move because I was afraid of what I would uncover. But I realize now the only way to burn away what is not me, is to learn what is not me. The only way learn what I am not is to just do something. And in doing that something, make lots of glorious mistakes.