“I am feeling rejected.”
“I am having the thought that I am feeling rejected.”
“I am noticing that I am having the thought of feeling rejected.”
Today I unexpectedly broke down to my therapist.
I told her the story that has been running my life.
And so, she had me repeat after her…
“I feel rejected” …. okay, doesn’t feel great
“I am having the thought that I am feeling rejected” … okay, feeling a little bit better
“I am noticing that I am having the thought that I am feeling rejected” … phew …
That first statement has been running my life. Taking control at every turn. Whenever I feel vulnerable, the stories of my past come sweeping in. The story of rejection. The story of every guy who has ever dumped me, never given me the light of day, never cared, or never loved me. The story of failures. The story of not making the cut. The story of not being good enough.
But here’s the thing… it’s a “story” …
And I place story in quotes not because mine is untrue. Not because my feelings are invalid or dumb or pointless. But simply because there are thoughts that serve us and those that do not. The thoughts of this story are not. They are not worthy of my attention. They are not helping me to progress. Fill in the blank with whatever it may be for you…it may also be rejection, or anger, sadness…disappointment. Your story will always feel true for you. And yes, maybe parts of your story really are true. My guess is your thoughts have made you believe your story is more factual than it truly is. This story will always try to follow you too. It will circle back around and around endlessly. As I’m sure you’ve noticed over time. But what if you could stop? What if you could stop and notice it when it first happens…or first happens again? What if you can have the thought that you’re feeling some way? What if you can notice that you’re having the thought of feeling some way? Maybe then the thought patterns can be altered. Maybe then the cycle can be broken. Maybe more space can be created for thoughts that serve you. Thoughts that are kind to you. Even thoughts that, over time, can be silenced.
So this is my homework. This is my daily exercise. This is my goal. To begin with my thoughts. To begin to notice my thoughts. And to notice that I’m noticing my thoughts.
I already feel hopeful with where this will lead me. A huge weight feels lifted that I can say “yes, there is a strategy”. And yes, Katelyn, it’s okay that you learned this practice that one time in yoga class a year ago but forgot. And yes, it’s okay if you once had strong mental habits to the point where it became second nature, but then got lost again along the way. And that yes, it’s okay to seek help.
Yes…it’s okay to begin again.